13. New Foundations

Responsibility, Ramadan, and establishing yourself. 

Juicy, by The Notorious B.I.G..

I'm sitting here in Saginaw, Michigan; my wife's hometown.  Recalling the birth of my daughter, and how I am letting her down.  I am defeated, unable to do a dream job due to my own inabilities, and banned from my Internet forums.  My friends and family stopped calling.  I told them I had to go to get where I'm going.  I told them I would find my way and come back for them.

Over five years have gone by.  I haven't come back yet.

Detroit is moving forward, and I'm not.  I spent too much time sitting on networking and message board sites.  I could have been working.  I blew my money instead of investing and saving.  I partied instead of being responsible.

My wife, daughter and I are on welfare, food stamps, and are a drain on the few family and friends that do exist.

I'm uneducated, I've been depressed, and am an unrealistic dreamer.  I have issues getting by socially.  My mentors aren't even deadbeats or criminals because I can't even keep up relationships with the fringes of society, and all I am surrounded by is often the fringes of society.

I have long overdue library books, videos, and credit card bills.  I am having trouble getting a bank account, and if I get a job I don't get to keep the money.  I still need sleeping pills to fall asleep some nights, I'm self medicating.  I need help man.

My grandparents gave up so much for me.  I guess I'm the ghost of The American Dream.

Who out there can relate?



What kind of man would live like this?  Deadbeat?  Hopeless dreamer?  White trash who shouldn't have reproduced?  Shoot, I'm married, what kind of woman would let her husband sink to this level?  Nah, she has her own demons, this is my fault.  I'm responsible for me.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I only care about me, I don't.  Then again, it's that ego combined with your criticism that helps me through my own stupidity.

Ramadan

This Devil's Workday, by Modest Mouse.

It's almost Ramadan; a time when some Islamic followers fast.  This is a time to exercise self-discipline that so many of my fellow Americans lack.  Ramadan fasting also exercises empathy.  When you fast, you can supposedly better understand what life is like for the starving and pain stricken in this world.

I'm lazy, I'm fat, I'm broke, and I'm depressed with no one but myself and a precious few to help me.

New York skyline of skyscrapers.

"I was trying to build a skyscraper on the foundation sized for a house".

But I'm also a metaphorical sack of TNT ready to explode.  I've been saving it up, and I'm about to blow myself up and out of this hole I've dug.

"Aim carefully Sean, hit your target dead on this time.  This is your last chance.  Make them all look up at the sky and think they just saw a shooting star; fast riser out of this galaxy.  You got this Sean.  It's time for something new; Ramadan.  Juice and Juicy is how your going to chew the Juicy Fruits that attacked fast risers".

Are we turning our lives around, or are we just holding these welfare checks down?  No, turn it around we must.  This is no crock of shit.

To infinity and beyond, the possibilities are limitlessly infinite.  We are not going to be the type like those that end up looking back at all the opportunity that lay before them, and sit in regret when they realize that they didn't do any of it.

They didn't do any of it.

Scene from Requiem for a Dream. 

Stay tuned....